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Arsene’s secret plan to destroy Arsenal

Written on:February 18, 2012
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I can exclusively reveal that Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has been rolling out a top secret Plan to destroy the club he once loved.

The Plan has been unfolding since 2006, with devastating results.

I have seen documents that reveal how this one-time genius has carefully plotted the club’s downfall. Here’s how each target has been identified, and then ruthlessly executed:

TARGET 1: Get rid of David Dein.

The only Arsenal board member who knew their arse from their Arsenal.

Achieved.

TARGET 2: Break up the Invincibles.

Top priority – these players could spoil everything and end up winning something. No survivors allowed.

Achieved.

TARGET 3: Buy two useless goalkeepers.

No club’s ever collapsed without them.

Achieved.

TARGET 4: Build a chaotic defence.

The Adams – Keown – Dixon -Winterburn back four must never be repeated. Get rid of anyone with experience – ie, Campbell, Gallas and Toure. Sign small players with no sense of direction. Make sure they all speak different languages so they can’t communicate. Get them to mark the grass rather than the opposition.

Achieved.

TARGET 5: Devalue the captaincy.

Use the armband to bribe half-decent players to stay a couple of seasons to guarantee the manager’s salary from gate receipts. Make sure they have no leadership qualities and want to leave the club.

Achieved – Henry, Fabregas, next Van Persie.

TARGET 6: Get rid of any good players.

The Invincibles, Henry, Fabregas, Hleb, Nasri, Cole, Clichy etc had to go, they were too good. They had no place in The Plan. Next: Wilshire, Van Persie, Chamberlain. All the rest can stay – they’re hopeless.

Achieved

TARGET 7: Make sure forwards don’t score.

Players must stop scoring goals at all costs. They are not allowed to shoot – just pass, even in front of an open goal. Walcott was a proven striker at Southampton – so place him on the wing. Signing Chamakh was a stroke of genius – he could keep a blank sheet for two seasons! Introduce bonus scheme for all forwards who keep a blank sheet. Sooo many players benefiting from it!

Bendtner had to go, as he did  score occasionally. Rosicky was told he would be handed over to the police if he scored – so has faithfully remained goalless. Vela  put out on loan so he could – and does – score for someone else. And Ryo had to be dispatched urgently … can’t risk him playing like this or scoring goals like this [Note to self - sell him when he returns, along with Wiltshire and Chamberlain].

Van Persie has sabotaged The Plan this season, first, by not getting injured, and then by scoring. He must go. And he will.

Achieved

TARGET 8: Buy players who don’t like living in the UK.

Reyes, Arsharvin … worked a treat.

TARGET 9: Don’t allow any kind of leadership.

Achieved

Only sign players who never talk, let alone shout, during matches or in the dressing room.  Adamses and Vieras definitely not welcome.

TARGET 10: Bankrupt the club – build a new stadium.

Seats are emptying fast as the team deteriorates. Massive mortgage. Less income. No Champions League money. Perfect.

In process

TARGET 11: Change successful tactics.

4-4-2 had to go – we won things.

Achieved

TARGET 12: Only sign teenagers – and get rid of older players who could mentor them.

Achieved

TARGET 13: Make the team nervous from the touchline.

Rant, strop, throw things, argue with the 4th official – do anything to be thoroughly uninspiring,to set the players a bad example, and keep them on edge. Train Pat Rice to be as miserable and uninspiring as me. Sack him if he ever varies the team’s pre-match warm-up routine.

Achieved

TARGET 14: Leave out, or loan out, anyone who plays well or shows passion.

Frimpong, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Ryo …

TARGET 15: Substitute players who are playing a blinder

Arsharvin for Oxlade-Chamberlain – one of the greatest milestones in The Plan.

TARGET 16: Involve myself in some off-field scandal.

A sacrifice – though enjoyable nonetheless.

TARGET 17: Make sure team implodes if it shows signs of winning something.

Works every year.

Seven trophy-less seasons. Out all competitions by February – two seasons running.The Plan has certainly worked well. And it ain’t over yet.

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